Let me get the simple biographical data out of the way, since it’s the least important things. She was born on September 4th, 1914, a Williams. For perspective, that’s the beginning of World War I. She married my grandfather, Richard Murray, who she called "Dick" in 1933. She had four sons and raised them just a few miles from here on the same farm my great-great grandfather started when he arrived from Ireland in the early 1860s. I grew up just across the field from her house in the home my great grandfather built. She was a fine country cook, kept garden, raised chickens and excelled in the crafts of knitting and quilt making. She was widowed early in life when my grandfather died in 1967 and she never remarried. She lived alone and independent the rest of her life, spending her last years in San Antonio. She had eight grandchildren, eightteen great grandchildren, and even one, so far, in the next generation.
I could go on about her accomplishments in life, who she knew, where she traveled, but those won’t tell you much about who she was. But I can share some of what I learned from her that may be more revealing than a simple biography. For some reason our family didn’t stick in one place. My mother’s side of the family all still live within a few miles of each other, but not us Murrays. I expect it’s that strong, independent streak that she helped instill in us. But I’ve never lost site that I am at heart a farm boy, raised on the prairies by a strong, independent family.
These lessons are in no particular order.
- Always drink your coffee black. You can read whatever you like into that, but I mean it as a plain truth. She loved a good cup of coffee and wouldn’t think of messing it up by dumping other stuff into it. I agree with her completely on this and my daughter, Kathleen, who is now making our morning coffee, drinks it black as well.
- A sense of humor will carry you through most of life’s difficulties. I know a lot of people that are easily crushed by changes of fate and fortune. A friend of mine who recently lost his job has gone through weeks of depression. My grandmother certainly didn’t have and easy life, but she never lost her capacity to laugh, enjoy a good story or a joke.
- Bear life’s indignities with as much grace as possible. I suppose this ties in with having a sense of humor. Illness, pain, and loss are difficult to bear and few of us escape them. All of us are entitled to a little complaining now and then and a sympathetic ear helps. But get back on your feet as soon as possible and move on.
- Create order out of chaos. Through the years of raising a family on the farm, many of those years without electricity, living alone, and even in her own passing, she always attempted to keep her house in order and secure all arrangements. You keep your house, your financial dealings, and as much as possible around you in it’s place, organized, and when possible, planned. She not only asked me to deliver her eulogy, but she prepared all of her own funeral arrangements well in advance.
- See through to the heart of things. When grandma was packing up to leave the farm for San Antonio, she insisted that I drive from Columbus to retrieve a beat up old cabinet she had stored in her basement for all the years she had lived there. It was wobbly and covered with at least 8 layers of paint. But she knew we enjoyed antiques and this old mess of a pie safe had set on her parents’ porch for as long as she could remember before it was hers. And she was right. After a hellacious job of stripping and refinishing, we discovered that it was beautiful, early American piece, probably a hundred and fifty years old.
- Make the hard decisions when you need to. A year ago my grandmother decided, on her own, to give up her car and stop driving. She talked with me at length about this and it was a very difficult thing for her to do. But unlike many, she knew it was time and she did it in her own way, on her schedule. She drove right up to the day her licenses expired, not giving up one moment of it. When we talked about it she knew that as hard as it was to give it up, it would have been harder still if someone had to take it away from her.
- Don’t be afraid to learn new things. In all the years she lived alone my grandmother traveled and enjoyed life. She even learned to swim late in life. And I couldn’t have been more surprised when she bought her own computer and started sending me email. It wasn’t easy for her to learn how to operate, but until this last year she regularly send me notes, recipes, and updates on other family members. I’ve spent my entire career working in the software industry, but I understand how difficult and frightening technology can be. But it never stopped her.
I could go on. I certainly don’t mean to imply that she was a perfect woman or a saint. She was a tough customer, a stern, hard woman at times. But I don’t expect I’ll ever have a really good piece of gooseberry pie again. I hope to share the values I’ve learned from her with my children, and someday, my own grandchildren.
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