Ain't No Too Sides About it

Sometimes I despair about the South.

School Defends Slavery Booklet "Principal Larry Stephenson said the school is only exposing students to different ideas, such as how the South justified slavery. He said the booklet is used because it is hard to find writings that are both sympathetic to the South and explore what the Bible says about slavery.

'You can have two different sides, a Northern perspective and a Southern perspective,' he said."

Let me put it simply: there are not two sides to this issue. Slavery was a great human evil. There is no evidence that the South would have soon stopped the practice. Those that used the Bible to justify slavery were wrong to do so.

And although there may have been many reasons for the Civil War, the issue of slavery was paramount. The distraction of the "states rights" issue was simply another smoke screen to prolong the economic benefit of this terrible sin.

I sigh as I think of this and it leads me to radical thoughts. You know what? State have long lost their usefulness. I'm a citizen of the United States not at citizen of Ohio. I'm not an Illinoisan because I was born there. I'm an American. I'll live wherever I damn well please and I don't care to deal with 50 different sets of peculiar laws. It's time to give up the distinction. I only see the need for a Federal government, and a local one (very local if you ask me).

Doug Wilson and Steve Wilkins, the authors of this pamphlet win my Evil Idiots of the Month award.

Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do

Christ, I'm tired of this nonsense.

MSNBC - Philly officials may ban kids from later PG films

Now you have to understand - I'm a big stickler for movie and event behavior. I HATE people who talk and make noise through movies. It even annoys me when they blab through the trailers. And I detest people that bring little kids to movies the have no business being in.

But I absolutely loath making laws about behavior. So, call me a big libertarian. What I think this country needs is a massive reform effort to strip all behavioral controls short of violent acts out of the system. It's none of your business what I drink or smoke, who I have sex with, or if I decide to take kids to a movie.

I do support movie theaters enforcing civil behavior and silence. If a theater wanted to say, "no kids under 13 after 7 PM" then fine - I'd really like that. I like it when a restaurant has a no smoking policy. But no laws.

Hey, you in government. Keep your eye on the ball. It's your job to provide for the public welfare. Make sure that we're safe, provide a safety net, and have a level playing field to keep the greedy bastards from trying to put us all back into feudal serfdom. Then go home.

My Dream Job

Some people love The Onion (I do too). But for shear comic genius, you have to tip your hat to the Weekly World News.

There are times when I threaten to quick my job, renew my subscription to Mother Earth News and survive by growing tomatoes on the roof of my house. In other times of whimsy I long for a job writing for the WWN. What a joy it would be to write up any weird, funny, or outright strange thing that strikes me and see it in my local supermarket the next week.

Of course, sometimes they just report the news AFRICAN TRIBE WORSHIPS SALMA HAYEK'S BREASTS!

Brilliant, But Just A Theory

This is both funny and thought/anger provoking: Textbook disclaimer stickers

Creationism is another attempt by the religious right to undermine our entire society and create the theocracy they long for. But I understand this: they must fight for this.

Why? Because "biblical literalists" have set themselves up with a completely untenable position and organization of their beliefs. They can't even consider evolution. If they did, they'd have to admit that the bible is not 100% literal. Then they'd have to start considering all the other things that may not be exactly as they are presented in a version of these writing edited by committee 400 years ago. And they'd also have to admit that the bible isn't the most ancient of human writings.

They can't consider that human civilization stretches back not 2,000 or 4,000 but more than 10,000. And humans completely identical to ourselves have been around far, far longer.

The issue is really quite simple. Evolution is one of the great intellectual achievements of human kind. It can be observed. The evidence is in virtually every field of study. And as the stickers point out, it's not just a "cockamamie theory", but the best explanation that we have for how things work. No other explanation or theory exists to compete with it. Period.

Creationism is a belief. It is an expressed preference. "I wish it weren't this way. Here's the way I wanted it to be."

Strangely enough, the Star Trek universe supports creationism. In the mythology or backstory of the multiple series, we discover the the universe was "seeded" and guided by a massively advanced progenitor alien race in the far distant past. That's the clever way they explain that most aliens look just like us, but with bumpy foreheads and can have sex and cross-breed pretty easily. You'll also find that in the Star Trek universe that genetic engineering is forbidden because human's can't be trusted with it's awesome power, although atomic weapons and the much more powerful anti-matter and photon torpedoes are peachy. This is why we don't learn our science from TV and movies.

I'll Drink To That!

I am not a sophisticated or extremely experienced drinker, but I have learned a few things.

First, this is the only way to drink Irish Coffee:



To get the whole experience, you've got to visit the Buena Vista in San Francisco. I make a pretty good one, based on their recipe.

I came to drinking later in life than most and from a family of teetotalers. I don't drink much and hate paying the staggering prices at bars and restaurants. I'll drink a glass of wine with a meal. I enjoy the first refreshing long draught of beer on a hot day. But I don't drink more than two or three at a time. Frankly, one is enough. But I've also discovered I have a taste for and tolerance of sprits.

I take my whiskey and bourbon straight or with a splash of club soda. A tall vodka martini, up or on the rocks is heaven. I'm right with the British Navy and toss back my tot of rum in one (a little diet coke, if you must). Nothing fancy, thank you. Just a good quality scotch or cognac. Oh, and port! I'll pass up that piece of chocolate cake for that small glass or port any day.

What the Fark?

I like Fark.com - it's often funny and informative. But I too often forget that the net is largely run by children.

This thread makes it clear. It's pathetic, but funny too. Here we have a bunch of guys, self-admitted geeks, bemoaning the fact that they don't know how to attract women. Endless discussion on why they're still virgins, perhaps because they're too nice, too smart, or perhaps a little shy. The other guys get the girls because they're jerks and that's what women really want.

Or not. Come on, guys! You do hilarious photoshop contests. It's not that hard.

Captain Randy's Simple Rules For Attracting Women

1. Forget blaming it on jerks. Nobody likes jerks. What women find attractive is power.
2. No, it's not about confidence, it's about power and potential power. If you're doing something that interests you and doing it well and in public (see #5) women will respond to you. Part 2: it's not about money - money may bring power, but it's not having power that's important, it's the perception that you can get power and influence that makes you attractive. Power can be work related, civic, artistic. Power signals that you'd make a good mate or at least fun to hang out with for an evening. Part 3: you can not use your mastery of Star Trek trivia as a substitute for power. Or video game prowess. Or Monty Python quoting ability. Strangely enough, blogging well is very attractive to women (sorry girls, I'm happily married).
3. Don't be a slob. Christ, could you at least put on a clean shirt?
4. You're not that smart. Stop using you're enormous intelligence as an excuse. Intelligence is sexy and attractive. What is not attractive is a bunch of geeks hanging out together giggling about minutia. Just stop it.
5. Get out. Good, single, straight men are in short supply. Turn off the farking computer and go where other people are, where they're doing stuff. Doesn't matter what. Just stuff.
6. OK, confidence is good. Don't be afraid to be alone. Go places, dress well, be happy. Leave the rest of the geeks at home. Do not hang out with them.
7. Stop constructing the ideal of the perfect women off of internet porn. It's not helping you. Construct your ideals of attractive women by being out in public and seeing what's available. You might be pleasantly surprised at what you see.
8. When you do find yourself interested in a woman, ask for a date and be clear. Say it this way: "would you like to go on a date?" Don't set yourself up again for a "just friends" relationship. That way if she says no, you're cool and didn't waste your time. And if she says yes, give careful attention to rule number 9.
9. Touch her. Just a gentle touch on the back of the hand, the back of her arm. Show her that you are interested in her physically. Not touching shows that you are the eunuch boy that she can complain about all the jerks too. Haven't you had enough of that?
10. If you're under 20 years old, stop sweating this stuff. Nobody under 25 knows what they're doing.

It can work, boys. I've known some of the geekiest guys on the planet and they've managed to find women that love them.

Surprisingly Accurate

As seen on Every Fool:

Looks just like me, too. (although I suspect it's slightly more than 40% - I had to fix the blockquote tag.

You are 40% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Mysteries? Hmm, is it a green one?

OK, as a work of art, maybe. But there's something about this that really bugs me.

A bookshop organized by color. "For one amazing week in November, Adobe Bookshop in San Francisco has agreed to allow its estimated 20,000 books to be reclassified by color. Shifting from red to orange to yellow to green, the books will follow the spectrum continuously, changing Adobe from a neighborhood bookshop into a magical library—but only for one week."

My wife hates it when I yell at the TV, but idiots piss me off. Some time ago we were watching a decorating show and the designer was so proud of a reading room where he'd organized all of the books based upon their colors. It immediately set me off.

I'm a lover of books, both as a reader and one who enjoys the art of the book itself. The book as an object holds special value to me. But to organize your shelfs by the color of the binding completely disregards the special nature of books and relegates them to knickknacks, disposable, valueless, pretty things. Arrange them to look pleasing. It matters not what's in them. It's as bad as the designers who load up a model home with Readers Digest Condensed Books and the cast offs from rummage sales.

Here's a secret about me. I judge people and their intellect by the books they read and keep in their homes. I watch what people are reading in restaurants and airports. Lots of my friends and acquaintances, good people, have no books and read very rarely. I find that a sad thing. I love visiting someone's home to discover a shelf of books. So rarely do I find walls full. It's a treat.

What can you tell about me by the books on my shelves? Well, on the ground floor when you enter the family room, you'll find a wall filled with books. You'll see a shelf of cookbooks and above it, three shelves of plays and books on theatre history and criticism. The middle section is overflowing with mysteries, some horror (but not much), American history, biographies, world history, and general literature (which has flowed over into the theater section). The third section is filled with books on religion, myth, philosophy, science, physics and math, and topped by a shelf of comedy. Next to a big comfy leather chair and ottoman you'll find a table which currently holds a copy of Remembrance of Things Past (or Searching for Lost Time, if you prefer) borrowed from Hedwig, a slim volume labeled "The Emperor's Handbook" which is a version of Marcus Aurelius writings, and whatever else I'm currently reading.

In the guest bathroom you'll find a small stack of books, currently a volume of Ogden Nash's poetry and a volume of Francis Bacon, along with the delightful "I Saw Esaw".

In my den on the second floor you'll find another wall of books. One section is largely science fiction, but one shelf is naval fiction mainly occupied by Patrick O'Brian. The middle section is reference works, primarily, the the third contains science fiction anthologies and paperbacks and general fiction. And another comfy chair and a stack of new things to read.

Oh, and I also have a personal rule: never leave the house without something to read.

Elsewhere in the house you'll find shelves with children's literature. The girls each have shelves of their own books.

I'm willing to be judged by these books. But to take them and arrange them by their color shape or size is a travesty. A bookstore it to me a sanctuary, a chapel. Arranging the pews so one can roller-skate in the middle may be ecstatically pleasing, but it's also disrespectful and sacrilegious.

Einsteinian Pain Waves

Thank god for the internet. My modest education and years of reading completely missed this important universal force.

Wired News: Cattle, the Research Catalyst "Professor Bajaj is from the Delhi University's department of physics and astrophysics. He has spent 14 years investigating the effects of animal slaughter on earthquakes, air crashes and other disasters. 'The killing of animals causes natural and manmade disasters,' Bajaj said. 'But, since the cow is so useful to human beings, its slaughter causes exceptional seismic activity. The cries of the animals go down to the earth through Einsteinian pain waves.'"

Perhaps I should mail off for a PhD in physics and astrophysics. Got to admit, that would look pretty cool on my business cards. "Doctor Captain Randy".

The Devil You Know

So. John Ashcroft, that deeply deluded and evil man, is resigning.

Why does that worry me? It's hard to think of anyone worse in that position of great power.

What worries me is that maybe Ashcroft is too soft for the tastes of this administration and their masters from the dark side. Maybe they want to get someone really effective in there.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

And that worries me, too. Why is Soviet era humor now so fitting for the US?

Get Your Facts Straignt

I'm of two minds on Michael Crichton. Sometimes he can produce a reliable beach read. He certainly makes entertaining TV and movies. For the most part. But there are other times, such as his novel "Prey" which could benefit from a strong editor and a swift kick in the behind.

But he is one smart dude, evidenced by this speach:

Why Speculate? A talk by Michael Crichton International Leadership Forum La Jolla April 26, 2002
"Those are the lengths you have to go to if you want to be certain that your information is correct. But when I tell people this story, they just stare at me incomprehendingly. The find it absurd. They don't think it's necessary to do all that. They think it's overkill. They live in the world of MSNBC and the New York Times. And they've forgotten what real, reliable information is, and the lengths you have to go to get it. "

He's right, speculation is entertaining, but far too easy. Much harder, it is, to speak clearly about what happened before (said in my best Yoda imitation). And talking and writing about the recent election is difficult. And not so entertaining about what dark days and events lie ahead.

Here's what I think about this election. Most people, including most Americans, are fucking idiots. They know nothing about the reality of the universe and the lives they live. They remain lost in a world of myth and speculation all laid out for them as fact. It's not about liberals and conservatives, it's about Thinkers and Believers.

And here's the important part: believing is a bad thing. Belief forbids thought and insight and understanding. Thinking requires all of these things and demands the very careful checking and processes to makes sure our information is reliable, makes sure our theories work and describe the universe and the lives we lead to the best of our abilities.

You know what? Today isn't any darker than yesterday. It's the same damn place it's always been. It's almost always been this battle, but there are more thinkers today than there have ever been. We're making progress.

At least that's what I believe.

Comforting Words From Captain Randy

You're fucked.

Royally fucked. Bury the family silver in the back yard. Hunker down and see you in four years.

Actually, I'm more than a little interested to see if they'll now let the mask slip, reveal the slithering evil inside. Will events and circumstances keep them restrained, or will they let loose with a barrage of repression, trying to shape the country after their own desires for the next fifty years?

It's a bad time, folks. But it's made clear that a full half of the country wants it exactly this way. I'm beginning to wonder if a little class warfare isn't a good idea after all.

More, after my coffee . . .

OK, here's the bright side. Bush will now have to deal with his mess in Iraq. Had Kerry won, he would have been saddled with it and I don't think there's a solution that doesn't turn out badly for everyone. So it will be completely in Bush's lap.

And in the good news front. I can now get a drink (soon) in historically dry Westerville. I'm gonna need it.

Wearing My Sticker Proudly

My wait at the polls was only 45 minutes. I arrived right at a quarter to 10 and was out by 11. I voted, exercised my franchise, but somehow that didn't do much to ease the tension or my sense of impending doom.

Let's hope tomorrow brings clear, unambiguous good news.

Investing For (or By) Idiots

I'm either a savvy long-term investor or a rather lazy, stupid one. I
tend to hold stocks forever. I like picking good companies that I
believe in, then sticking with them as long as I still believe.

Cry, Beloved Apple
Stock / Jobs & Co. just made our columnist a tidy profit. So why is
selling the shares so damn hard?

Like Mr. Morford, I've owned Apple forever. I bought my first block
before the Newton came out - I'd been a Mac user since 1987 and saw the
Newton and handheld market as the brilliant future. OK, so the Newton
didn't work out, but the Palm did. But I still believed in Apple. I
bought another, larger block just when Jobs came back.

My broker thinks I'm a genius, but I just like the company. I've
thought hard about selling now and taking the profits, but here's why I
won't: I still believe in the company and think there's more growth
there.

And I like owning part of the company.

I did the same thing years ago, buying Blockbuster stock because they
were developing print-on-demand video. That never happened, but the
stock went up. Eventually, Paramount purchased blockbuster, then
Viacom bought them. All good. Now, Blockbuster's being spun back off.
And I'm staying with them. Now here's the paradox: I hate
Blockbuster. I don't rent videos/DVDs. I dislike there selection and
policies. But I think that there's big growth there and potential in
markets that they can compete in, like home delivery (i.e. Netflix),
and eventually wired delivery. And I have hopes that they'll compete
on discount sales, which they are well positioned for with their
stores, but have yet to enter. So, even though I don't like them as a
consumer, I understand their business and market and like them as an
investor. I'll have no problem selling when I think they're ripe.

My stock pick for the day? Buy a good mutual fund. Don't pick stocks.

We have a word for that in English

"We believe this emotion is known in English as schadenfreude."

Uh, no, not English. In fact, we don't have a single word for it.

Unless you refer to Mel Brooks, "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."

You know you should worry when . . .

Pat Robertson starts sounding like a reasonable person with good judgement.

CNN.com - Robertson: I warned Bush on Iraq casualties - Oct 19, 2004: "'You remember Mark Twain said, 'He looks like a contented Christian with four aces.' I mean he was just sitting there like, 'I'm on top of the world,' ' Robertson said on the CNN show, 'Paula Zahn Now.'

'And I warned him about this war. I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And I was trying to say, 'Mr. President, you had better prepare the American people for casualties.' '

Robertson said the president then told him, 'Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties"

But then ol' Pat restores my faith in him and goes ahead and endorses Bush. Because even though Bush is completely certifiable, dangerous, and deaf to all criticism, he's still has "the blessing of heaven" on him. That's certainly a relief.

HBO Says "Screw You, Subscribers"

I really like HBO's original programming. I'm a big fan of "Deadwood". But I don't currently watch any of their movies - it's just too big a hassle to watch a movie when they want to show it to me.

I do, however, want to record their program, which I pay for, and watch it when AND WHERE I want to. It's my right, and it's legal.

But they're working against me. You too.

HBO freezes fair use; plugs analog hole

So screw them. HBO, you're cancelled. No more money from Captain Randy.

Not So Funny

I'm a big fan of William Gibson and I'm pleased to see he's speaking out and blogging again.

President Bush Answers Your Questions

Hedwig might not find this funny either. It hits far to close.

What scares me is this: I've always thought the worst of this administration, but they've continually shown that I'm not nearly cynical enough. They've disappeared prisoners in Afghanistan and Iraq. They continue to hold American citizens indeterminately and without access to lawyers. Should they win or steal the coming election, they'll rule as if they one by a landslide and an iron mandate.

Don't ask any questions, Billy.

That's Entertainment!

I just placed my order for the That's Entertainment! movie collection (Amazon - much better price than the local Best Buy). I'm hoping it arrives quickly.

Then, rather than watching the final presidential debate and the consequential spinning, I can seal myself up in my theater, pour myself a rather large dirty martini, and smile myself silly as I watch all the great moments of the MGM movie musicals in a truly grand motion picture extravaganza.

Sing along with me, won't you?

Rest In Peace, Mr. Reeve

I was deeply saddened this morning to learn of the passing of Christopher Reeve. He was both a fine actor and after his life altering accident, an inspiration and true hero.

Although many remember him only as Superman (and who could not?) I found him to be a talented actor. See his performance in "Remains Of The Day" to witness his clear and controlled performance.

I had really hoped to see him walk again.